Jobs oh dear!
by Iamawsome
Summary: Jobs the characters in Alex Rider should never ever have. Narrated by me and Alex. Rated T 'cause I'll probably curse down the road.
1. Chapter 1

This was inspired by a story St. Fang of Boredom did for Maximum Ride.

**Disclaimer: ……. I'll get back to you on that……**

Me: So who are we going to do first?

Alex: Uh, me? I am the main character, right?

Me: Hmmm…. nah! Let's do Wolf! Yeah Wolf!

Alex: …… okay…. Can I go back to England now?

Me: Do you want to go back to England?

Alex: Um…. yeah.

Me: Then no!

Alex: But why?!?!

Me: Because I said so and I'm mean! –sticks tongue out- Deal with it!

* * *

Ten Jobs Wolf Should NEVER Have

Babysitter. Do I even have to say why?

Flight Attendant. Dude: Can I have a bottle of water?

Wolf: Get it yourself!

Dude: Um, _you're _the flight attendant.

Wolf: Nooooo! I'm a fish!

Teacher. Wolf: And today class we will learn about how to make kid's lives miserable. NOW GIVE DROP AND GIVE ME 20 PUSH UPS!

Professional Skydiver. When you're afraid of heights, this is _not_ the way to go.

Ballet Dancer. Teacher: Demi-plie', demi-plie', GRANDE PLIE', GRANDE PLIE'!

Wolf: …. Oh dear…..

NYC Rockette. That would just be sad.

Fangirl. What has the world come to? There's plenty already anyway.

Rabbi. _Barukh atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melekh ha-olam, borei p'riy ha-gafen.  
_Can you imagine this? Really, I can't…… I really, really can't.

Preacher. Um, no. He doesn't have any nice words to preach.

SAS Soldier. How well this turned out for him……..

* * *

Me: Yeeeeeah! First chapter done!

Alex: Me next, me next!

Me: Uh, no….. next is…. Drumroll please.

Alex: WTF?

Me: I said drumroll!!!!

Alex: -takes out tambourine-

Me: That'll do….. I guess….

Alex: -shakes tambourine-

Me: And the next chapter is going to be about…………

Alex: ME ME PICK ME!

Me: EAGLE! Yeaaaah Eagle!

Alex: -goes to a corner and cries-

Oki doki.... so what did ya think??? R&R pleaaase!

-Toodles


	2. Eagle! No, Hawk!

**Disclaimer: ....Still workin' on it……**

I'm baaaaack! And ready for action! I got reviews –gasps-! Yeeeeah! I just did my happy dance! My insaneness gets me review….. wow. I just realized how sad that is.

Chrissy Violet: : D

Marie Elaine Cullen: Go Jews! I like crazy and hyper people…. like you! And me! : ) Yeeeeah you!

Allyxandra Hunter: I am insane! No one sane would write this. Some people are just bor to the ing.

JasperXxXHale: Thank you for the ideas! ^_^ I am going to use one… yeah! Or maybe two???

ThReE AqUiLa: Yes, I am really hyper. I'm actually ADHD… : ) Did anyone ever tell you your penname is funny looking in cursive?

TribalForEagle: Jaja! Normally I threaten people with my army of peanuts, but rabid dogs are good too. And don't worry, Alex will get his chapter…… eventually.

hollyblue2: Thanks! But I don't write the commentary, Alex does. I'll tell him you said you liked it…. –starts talking to herself- I told him! PS your penname was the only one my computer didn't underline in red!

AN: I want to thank JasperXxXHale for contributing some great ideas! Let's give JasperXxXHale a round of applause…. and Me: Caca!Caca! –flaps arms like a psycho maniac-

* * *

Me: Caca!Caca! –flaps arms like a psycho maniac-

Alex: ……. ???

Me: I'm impersonating a bird….. for Eagle! Yeah Eagle!

Alex: …. Okay then. When will I get my chapter?

Me: Best for last little Alex, best for last.

Alex: -hmph-

Me: Don't cry little Alex! Oh poor baby!

Alex: I'm not crying!

Me: Fine….. don't pout little Alex, don't pout!

Alex: You're just out to make me miserable, aren't you?

Me: Damn right! No! Just kidding. I LOVE YOU ALEX!!!!

* * *

11 Jobs Eagle Shouldn't Try

A Designer:

Eagle: And the theme of my new line of clothes is…. ZOMG! Guess! You'd never guess so I'll just tell you! Army camouflage! See, wasn't so obvious now was it. I knew you'd never guess….

An author:

Eagle: Hmmmm, so I think I'm going to write a book about a fourteen-year-old boy named Alex whose uncle dies. Then, he's going to become a spy! …………… No, that sounds like crap.

A salesperson: O geez……

Person: So are these a good brand of headphones?

Eagle: Of course! Every brand of headphones is good when you buy it from Headphone Land!

Person: Ummmm, okay….. but this brand in particular, is it any good? I'm not going to buy a pair of headphones for such an expensive price if they're no good.

Eagle: I already told you, they're ALL good!

Person: Can I speak to the person in charge?

Eagle: I'm in charge of myself! America is a free country!

Person: Um sir, we're in England….

Eagle: Right! What he said!

President of the United States of America: That's world domination……..

Advice column person... thingy:

Eagle: So my girlfriend and I broke up last week, and I've just been feeling so depressed. I don't know what to do. What should I do? I was talking to my cat Fluffy McFluffitron and he said I should just get over myself. I'm so depressed!

Reader: WTF?! You're supposed to be giving the advice, not making people need it!

Conductor: And a one, and a two, and a….. wait, I know this one. Oh right! ….. No…. that's not it…..

Violinist: This stick thingy makes a _really_ good back scratcher.

Burger King Cashier: Welcome to King Burger where we can do it your way, but don't get crazy.

Dentist:

Eagle: Your teeth are looking pretty good!

Little boy: Thanks! I only brush them six times a day!

Eagle: What? I brush them eight!

Little boy: … but….. –cries-

Eagle: Awwwww, here. Have a lollipop to feel better.

Little Boy: -reaches for the lollipop-

Eagle: No! What are you doing!? This is a _dentist_ office, not a candy store.

Guy who stands at rollercoaster and tell you when you can go on: And the merry go round goes arooooound! Oh, and UP and DOWN! And arooooound! And UP and DOWN! And the merry go round goes arooooound! Oh, and UP and DOWN! And arooooound! And UP and DOWN! And….

Dog Trainer:

Talking Dog: Good boy! Now, sit. Very good! Here's a treat!

Eagle: Woof woof! –sticks out tounge and pants-

* * *

And there it is ladies and gents! Chappie twooooooo! R&R!


	3. Take me right back to that track JACK

**Disclaimer: I own my laptop, my dog, and I like to pretend I own my brother, but I don't own Alex Rider……. humph….**

**AN: I just want thank everyone for reviewing! I'm sooooooooooo sorry this is so late! Really, I am. I had all these tests in school-yeah I know, being a teenager sucks, tell me about it- so yea……. BUT REALLY, I'm sorry…….. : )**

Me: Oh Alexandra!

Alex: Yes?

Me: Guess who we're doing!

Alex: Not me….. ???

Me: You're getting warmer…..

Alex: -sighs-

Me: No, now you're getting colder.

Alex: Hm, are they blunt?

Me: Nope! That's colder.

Alex: So they're hot? Hmmm, that girl from my ninth period English class?

Me: No, that's me. And since I live on a completely different continent from this person, you just got ten times colder!

Alex: …. well aren't I on fire! I can't-

Me: FIRE! Now you're burning!

Alex: Firefighters?

Me: -smacks forehead- No you idiot! Jack, your best friend!

Alex: How does fire relate to….. oh. I see. Her hair………

12 Jobs Jack Should Not Try… or think about….. or dream about…..

Five star chef: Yeah, that'll work out. And today ladies and gentlemen, our special is peanut butter and jelly and mac and cheese. Buon appetite!

Broadway star: Popular! You're gonna be popularrrrrr! I'll teach you- …. Uh oh. Wait, what are the words again?

Hairstylist: Well, maybe she could do this _after_ she dyes her hair a normal colour.

Zoo keeper:

Jack: And here are the tigers. Be sure not to bug, irritate, or even come close to them. It may result in a fatal manner.

Little girl: Can I pet it?

Jack: You want to pet a tiger?

Little girl: -nods head- uh huh….

Jack: Well, sure…. I guess…. you're not my kid.

Fanfiction addict: If this got people money, I think we'd all be rich.

Jack: Z-O-M-G! No way!

Alex: What?

Jack: You wouldn't understand…… -shakes head- It's a fanfic thing.

**1 **Shoemaker:

Jack: What size are?

Little European Boy: Um, a 42.

Jack: Holy crow, you have HUGE feet!

-Alex appears out of nowhere-

Alex: Um Jack, he's European….

Jack: Riiiiight.

**2 **A pinball wizard: She's a pinball wizard, she has to have a trick! A pinball wizard…….

Apple Engineer:

Apple Employee: And ladies and gents, you can even move yours apps wherever you want. There all kinds of apps. There are entertainment ones, there are sports ones, there are different sports ones, there are reading and educational ones, there are action ones, ther-

Jack: Oh for Christ sake! Get on with it! Oh, don't you look at me like that. I have to listen to this 20 times a day! I quit! You know why??? Because I hate apples. Not just the electronic ones, but the _real_ ones.

Voice over actor for Spongebob Squarepants: The best time to where a stripped sweater, is all the tiiiiiime. One with a collar, turtle neeeck, that's the kiiiind. CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE WEARRING…. That one… special… swea-ter.

OCD Photographer: Okay, move your head a little to the left… NO…. um, lift up your chin…. Yea, that looks good. If you close one eye….. and turn around…

Teacher in training:

World Geography teacher: Okay class, today we are going to learn about Djibouti.

Jack: Djibouti! Where the _hell_ is that?

Student: ….. up your-

Mum: ….. poor poor kids….. I truly would feel bad for them.

Me: Ohhhh Alex!

Alex: Yes?

Me: WE FINISHED THE CHAPTER!

Alex: Took you long enough….

Me: I'm going to get Wolf.

Alex: Why…..??

Me: To hurt you for being soooo mean.

Alex: -hidden in corner with his hands over his head- Well good luck to him. He'll never find me here!!! Mwuahahahahha!

Me: ……………… well, okay then! R&R people! Or I'll get Wolf to eat you….. yea….


	4. Harris, Tom Harris

Disclaimer: How I yearn to own Alex Rider…. at least I'm his wife. Also, I do not own the part I used from the Lorax by Dr. Seuss.

Okay…. So I didn't get many reviews for last chapter, but that's okay. Thanks for all who did review!!!! You are amazing: randomness6, hollyblue2, and Saymorian.

Also, I want to thank my friend Wolfie (yes, I actually call her that. She calls me Cub. Does she have any idea about Alex Rider??? No…. that's why I find it hysterical. She came up with 3 of the jobs for this chapter. Everyone say thank you to Wolfie!!!!

Anyway…. here is chapter 4. Enjoy, because I am going on a trip for a little more than a week and won't be able to update… I think.

* * *

Me: Did you know that Rubix cubes are hard???

Alex: You are_ very_ random.

Me: I love your English accent! ^__^

Alex: Again with the randomness! And you're the one with the accent, not me.

Me: Well since were in America, you have the accent.

Alex: We are NOT in America.

Me: Yes, we are.

Alex: Nah uh.

Me: Fine, you're in England and I'm in Italia…. fair???

Alex: Wait, if it's Italy we're talking about then I'm with you one hundred percent.

Me: Well, you said we were in England which means you are in England which means that you are not in Italia where I am but you are with me so I think that leads us both back to America.

Alex: I hate America.

Me: You're just jealous because we have Billie Joe Armstrong and Matt Damon.

Alex: I have Matt Damon on my television.

Me: Well he's my neighbor!

Alex: But if I'm with you, isn't he my neighbor too?

Me: -dumbstruck- wait…… I LIVE IN A BOOK NOW?!?!

Alex: No, I came out of the book and married you remember?

Me: Ooooooo right! Wait….. no………

Alex: So anyway, today we are doing me.

Me: No, today we are doing Harris, Tom Harris.

Tom: Yeeeeah!!!!!

Alex: Fuck you Tom! Fuck you!

Me: Alex, that was mean. Get in your cage.

Alex: My cage?????

-Alex magically appears in a cage-

Fang from Maximum Ride: -smirks-

Me: ZOMG!!!! It's Fang and Alex Rider at the same time!!!! My life just got a whole lot better…… and worse since I'm cheating on you both for the other, but that's okay. So on with the story….. –runs away from rabid fictional characters carrying torches wanting to kill me because I cheated on them-

* * *

Tom Harris….. 10 jobs he could try and never succeed at:

Cartoonist: Stick figures do not interest a lot of people.

Tattoo Artist: see above

Tom: Here is my selection of designs –show man-

Man with a bunch of tattoos and muscles: Not much to chose from boy.

Tom: I recommend the stick figure with the bow in its hair. Or the stick figure with the sneakers. Or the fat one. Or the skinny one.

**Honestly, I don't know what someone would say to that. I'd be like #$% you, you psycho #$# and hold up the bird and tell them I was going to LA Ink.**

Librarian:

Tom reading to a bunch of little kids:

"I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees."

Not so long ago, in a land not so far away lived the Lorax. He was the guardian of the Truffula trees, Swomee-Swans, Brown Bar-ba-loots, and the Humming Fish. The land was pristine. The Brown Bar-ba-loots enjoyed everyday eating Truffula fruit and dancing around in their bar-ba-loot suits.

Little boy: -falls over snoring-

Assassin: Duhnuhnuhnuh… -rolls around on floor hold hands together like a gun-

Actor:

Female actress: Oh John! I knew you'd come! –leans in to kiss Tom-

Tom: _I_ _could get used to this_-starts making out with girl-

The devils assistant: Mwuahaha

Worker at an asylum: This one is actually scary. Hmmm, maybe I can make that a story…. Ahhh, yes. I shall do so.

Karate teacher:

Student: Hiya! –breaks wood-

Tom: backing awaaaaay from the strong child…. Backing away.

Rockstar: Tom would be the rockstar that would stage dive and not get caught…… tehehe

Person who stays with detectives and takes all their notes:

Detective: Why are all my notes drawings of girls boobs!!!???

Tom: Not true! One is of a squirrel.

* * *

Me: Chapter 4? Done!

Alex: Yes. One chapter closer to mine.

Me: Che dobbiamo fare adesso????

Alex: Festa!!!!

Me: Si! Revisione per favore!!!! ^__^

Alex: Si si!!!

Me: Vous parlez francais???

Alex: Oui!

Me: Je n'aime pas….un peu.

Alex: Bien!

Me: Skomentowales mnie! -gasps-

Alex: Co?????

Me: And we're back to English! Yeeeeah!

Alex: …. Well, please review.

Me: And be nice, or I'll curse you out in Italian…. Well, no…. but I could!

Alex: Ciao!!!!! ^__^


	5. AN:

A/N: Okay people. I just wanted to know what characters I should do next. Whose your favorite??? And also, anyone want a specific job done??? Thanks! I'm going on a trip so I don't know if I can update in the next week or so, but I'll try.


	6. Y is for Yassen

Disclaimer: It would be cool to own Alex Rider....... when I dominate the world, then I'll make sure I own him. For now, a picture shall do.

AN heyy. Im so sorry this took forever. I went on a trip and then i was- well still am- sick so I havent been able to' update. Hope you enjoy.

Also, I want to thank everyone who reviewed! Thank you to**KitskuneMiyake**for some ideas.

* * *

Me: -walking on tippy toes to wake up Alex-

Alex: snooooooring..... memememe. Snooooooring .... memememe.

Me: -clashes two symbales together-

Alex: ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Wtf?!?!

Me: Buingiorno!!!!! Come stai????

Alex: orribile. Che altro c'è di nuovo?

me: yeah, you're always grumpy. Tehehe

Alex: -glares daggers-

me: today is a very big day. You wanna know why?

Alex:were doing me????? : )

Me: of course not silly. siete troppo divertenti!

Alex: -sighs- then why? Who are we doing that is just sooooo important?! I mean whoooooo could it be? Not me. Noooo, of course not!

me: youre just jelous because todays pick is Yassen. Opps! I spilled that one. Whoops.

alex: Are you serious? Oh yes! He killed for a living, he killed my uncle, he almost killed me AND sent me to' my almost death. Yes, he is indeed important.

me: glad you agree. Now lets get on with this! Andiamo!

**6 Jobs Yassen Shound NEVER Have**

Owner of a Tea House: You know those places you go to' have a tea party??? Gosh that would be so sad. Yassen in a little pink frilly dress serving tea.

Daycare runner:

Yassen: Alright, naptime little children.

Little boy: But it's only 10 o' clock in the morning! We just got here!

Little girl: Yeah! Please Mr. –gives Yassen puppy dog eyes-

Yassen: -takes out two guns- Who wants to question me now? Anyone? Annnyone?

Little Boy: Are those reeeeal guns?

Judge on American Idol:

Randy (tehehe… randy): Yo dog. I just don't think you got it. Ya know?

Cara: Oh sweetie, maybe singing just isn't your thing…. Oh no don't cry!

Ellen: Hmmm. Ehhhhh. Ummmmmm.

Simon: What the_ hell_ was that? Seriouslly, that was absolutely atrocious!

Yassen: -shoots singer- Now that that is taken care of……

Bodyguard for Alex: If Yassen was Alex's bodyguard I think they would spend all their time a) fighting, or b) having sex. It's either one or the other. They either love each other or hate each other.

Sooooo

Option A:

Alex: You!? You're my bodyguard!? Oh oh NO! Not happening…. Ever.

Yassen: Little Alex, I shall train you and together we will rule the world! MWUAHAHA!

Alex: I'll never work for you! –cue heroic music-….. wait a sec. How are you alive???

Yassen: Maaaagic! And if you won't work for me willingly, I'll force you!

Alex: NEVER!

Or

Option B

Alex: Oh Yassen. I don't know how I could ever hate you. Please please, promise you'll never leave me again.

Yassen: I promise. –starts making out with Alex-

Alex: -starts unbuttoning Yassen's shirt- Dang, you have one fine eight pack!

Advertiser:

Yassen: It's fresh, it's new, it's Teen Spirit Deodorant! Go out and get some… or else. –opens jacket to show lots of killing utensils and a gun- Have a nice day!

CIA Agent:

Boss of the CIA: Okay everyone, listen up. Your job is to infiltrate the building and get those files! Do not get caught!

Yassen: Can't we just kill everyone??? Is it just me, or does that seem a whole lot easier?

* * *

Alex: Only 6? Come on, you can do better than that!

Me: I know, I know. I just wanted to get something out quick.

Alex: Excuses, excuses.

Me: Whatever. If you don't stop I'll infect you with my sick germs!

Alex: You can't touch me.

Me: Wanna bet?

Alex: You're on!

Me: -snaps fingers-

Alex: -in a cage in front of me- What?

Me: Don't mess!

Alex: Excuse me! That was uncalled for. You get me out-

Me: Sir, do not get loud with me! Do not get loud with me!

Alex: Well excuuuse me! But are you the one in a cage right now?

Me: SECURITY!!!!


	7. Like Sabina Like Like

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Alex Rider. I own a lot of socks, though.**

**Be jealous. **

**AN: I am soooooOooOoOOo sorry I have not updated in a long time. I was away**

**and my ife is suuuper hectic right now. Anyways, I got a lot of reviews to**

**do this person, but I was not sure if it was because you liked them or HATED**

**them. I pretty sure you HATE them. **

* * *

Alex: -in the shower- Oooooh holy NIIIIIIIGHT! The stars are brightly

SHIIIIII-

Me: Oh. Holy. Moses.

Alex: Aggggh! Jesus! Didn't anyone tell you to knock?!

Me: I did knock. Five times. Your singing must have been too loud.

Alex: -blushing- I, ugh, um, well, WHY ARE YOU STILL IN HERE?!

Me: "Here" would be my front yard Alex. You're showering in the rain. Oh

boy, I'll be getting some calls from my neighbors about you, again.

Alex: Well I am just SO sorry. Last time was very reasonable.

Me: Monkeys are not reasonable.

Alex: You're not reasonable.

Me: No. I am not.

Alex: Really? That's all ya got! Z.O.M.G! I just like beat like you like in like a like talk like down like! Yeah me!

Me: No. And just so I can rain on your parade of "likes", you are not the character for this chapter.

Alex: I knew it................... -cries in a corner-

Me: But you'll loooove who is. Alex and this person, sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G. First comes-

Alex: Wait, I thought it was K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Me: It was, until I changed it. Anyways, on with the story!

10 Jobs Little Ms. Sabina Pleasure Just Like Shouldn't Like Do Like Like:

1. Inside of a bridge cleaner:

Sabina: -in an orange jump suit- At least it could have been pink! I mean,

look at this thing! Look at it! Oh, you are SO not looking.

Co-worker: Um, okay. So you're going to use this to scrap all the gunk off

the metal and it goes in this bucket.

Sabina: Uh, yeah right. What goes in this bucket is going to be my vomit,

thank you very much. That is disgusting. I am so out of here. -starts

walking-

Co-worker: That's the wrong way....

Sabina: -turns around and goes the other way-

Co-worker: That is the wrong way, too.

Sabina: .fuck?!

Co-worker: Weeeeeeeell, you don't have too many options when you're inside a

bridge.

2. Hannah Montana:

Sabina/H.M.: -singing off tune- La la la LA la la laaaaaaa AHHHHHHH!

Billy Ray Pleasure: Alrighty, thata girl.

Sabina/H.M.: -on stage- Nobody's perfect! I gotta work it like again and

like again 'till I get it like right! -gets tomatoes thrown at her- They

like me! They like me!

3. Cowgirl:

Sabina: Ooohhh you cute wittle horsey baby. Awww-gets kicked in the face my horse-

Me: Yow face eh so ugly, a howse dint even like it.

4. Playmate (for Playboy):

Sabina: oooooh Hef I just love you. When we are done watching this movie while lying in bed together in front of a fire sharing ice cream -catches breath- do you wanna have some real fun.

Hef (Hugh Hefner): -just lays there not moving-

Sabina: ZOMG!!! Is he dead!?!?!? -shrieks-

Hef: Whaaaaa!!!!!! Oh gosh did I miss the 80s???

5. Talk show host: Where she would do all the talking. I don't think she would care if she didn't have any guest or audience.

Sabina: Hiya. Today we have Mr. Daddy. Please everyone, welcome my new friend.

-Daddy long-legs enters set-

Sabina: Well bhuhello there Mr. Daddy! How has life been?

(Sabina rambles on for an hour)

Camera guy: Um, Ms. Pleasure, you do realize you bare talking to a spider, right?

6. Information Telephone Operator:

Boy Sabina goes to school with: Um, hello. Im looking for The Pleasure's in Marin County, San Francisco.

Sabina: Hm, okay I see them here. The number is....... Wait a second! I'm Sabina Pleasure! Hmmm, well that was weird. Oh yea! So what did you want?

7. Bus Driver: That would be so funny. She would drive around in Juicy Couture Sweatsuits. Tehehehehe.

8. Assassin for Scorpia: setting-Alex's house.....

Sabina: -stalking around- Oh Alex. Prepare to die.

Alex: Never! You shall die! -picks up gun-

Sabina: No! I am your father!

9. Bank Robber: -cue James Bond music-

Sabina: Fred, the alarm is deactivated. You can go! Do your thing.

Fred: Ladies first.

Sabina: Always the gentelman. -opens door and alarm goes off- Ohhhhh! We even get a welcome bell!

10. Ice Cream Truck Drive: review your own story for this one!

Alex: Sabina is not my father!

Me: You obviouslly do not watch Star Wars. -scoffs-

Alex: -puzzled- Ummm okay.... lame-o.

Me: Gasp! One day when I rule the galaxy you shall be my minion and I will make your life hell! [insert evil laugh]

Alex: Ooooh brother. Do you see what I have to deal with. Why is it always me!

* * *

**Review! **


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